When You Don't Know What To Do
Sometimes things come along that shake us to the core. Some events tend to remind us about the frailty of life. The loss of a young person in any community still grabs our attention faster than just about anything else on the planet. We grieve. We question. We cry. We laugh. We hurt. We hug. We pray. We do all those things over and over again. All the while the answer we seek seems to elude us and we are stuck with the lingering question, “Why?”
It is a question that I’m not sure we can ever fully answer in this life. It is just a part of life. It is just as much a part of life as birth and birthdays and marriage. It just seems to be more of a period at the end of a sentence. There appears to be finality and it cuts us when we feel that someone has not been able to achieve all those other things. So we continue to question. And our answers continue to fall short of acceptable.
Since we cannot fully answer that question, let’s think about the second question that everyone asks: “What can I do?” Parents, grandparents, friends, teachers, counselors, and just about everybody that has a heart filled with love asks this question. They don’t want to be idle at a difficult time. They especially don’t want to see young people hurting and stand by unconcerned. So what do you do when you don’t know what to do?
BE PRESENT
People who are grieving don’t always need answers, they just need people. They need to feel community. You don’t have to say or do anything. It is important to have friends, parents, and mentors who will cry and laugh with you. Paul wrote many years ago, to “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). As much as they desire your presence, just be with them. It is always nice to know someone cares. But don’t be offended if they want to be left alone for a time, too. Some people prefer not to cry in front of others or desire to have time to think about things alone. Being present also means that you pay attention and know when people need that time as well.
LISTEN
Those who are grieving will experience a multitude of different emotions. They will be sad, angry, lost, lonely, frustrated, disappointed, confused, just to name a few. They may be numb at first. They may have moments of laughter thinking about the person they have lost. They may be angry with the person they lost. They may be angry with God. They could be angry at themselves or you or any number of people. Truth is, it is part of that search for meaning and all of these things are normal. All of those feelings can be listened to and the feelings validated. To express understanding for why they feel those things does not make the accusations true, it just communicates to them that they have been heard. If they lash out at God then allow them to tell you why they are frustrated with Him without judging or correcting. If they ask what you think then you can guide, but at first just listen. And learn how to listen with your ears and eyes. Sometimes an expression can tell you everything you need to know.
AVOID A CLOSED MINDED APPROACH
No two people grieve the same way. One teenager or adult may cry a lot in the days or weeks following a loss. Another person who was just as close to the person who died might only cry once or not at all during that time. It does not necessarily mean there is a problem. Different people process things in different ways and go through grief at different speeds.
People often talk about the stages of grief which usually include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While it seems that these are all generally a part of the process they are not necessarily linear in nature. A person doesn’t just go through them one at a time and then magically get over a loss at the acceptance stage. Most professionals that you ask will tell you that it can be more cyclical in nature and it may not follow any pattern at all. For months, or even years, all of these various feelings and thoughts can wash over you like waves in the sea.
The storm is almost unbearable at first, but then the waves of grief – whether in the form of denial or anger or sadness or any other feeling – seem to become less torrential and begin to be somewhat manageable. There will still be times that grief catches you off guard and knocks you off your feet, but most people find that they can begin to function regularly again over time.
WHEN THE STORM DOESN’T PASS
For the first few days after a loss there is often a numbness that can be confusing. Things do not feel real because life has been turned upside down. Feelings typically return after a few days and they may return with a vengeance. That may be when anger and sadness flood a person. Some people don’t have the numbness and their first stage begins with the anger and sadness. Again, both these things are normal. However, sometimes these initial feelings seem to linger. The clouds of depression and anger hover heavy over the griever’s head and they just can’t get out of the funk.
It is typically helpful to gauge the intensity and frequency of their feelings and how it impacts their functionality. Trouble sleeping in the first few days is a perfectly acceptable response to a loss. Sadness is normal because someone they cared about is gone. Anger is normal because they want back what has been taken. But the lack of sleep over a few weeks’ time will impact anyone’s mood. Sadness that lingers and begins to manifest itself with symptoms like physically searching for the person that died, intrusive thoughts about that person throughout the course of a day, avoiding anything that reminds them of the deceased, or meaninglessness can be a sign of complicated grief that may need professional attention.
It is also important to keep in mind the symptoms of depression and the differences between it and grief. Grief will typically include good days mixed with bad days. There will be moments of laughter and joy whereas depression doesn’t always have the up-swings. Depression is typically characterized by hopelessness, worthlessness, inability to work or function normally, and/or preoccupation with death or suicide to name a few. If you start noticing these things with someone you love it is always important to get them professional help.
IT IS OK TO LIVE AND ENJOY LIFE
For people who have lost someone they love it is hard to move on without guilt. The first time you smile or laugh feels awkward. As was mentioned earlier, death is a part of life. It never gets easy but we begin to embrace it. What we go through with loss reminds us to embrace life for what it is – a vapor that appears for a little while and vanishes (James 4:14). In the wake of pain we eventually ask ourselves, “How do I live knowing that life is short and there is no promise of tomorrow?” We also ask, “What actions do I take that will honor the life of my loved one?” These are questions that begin to point us in the right direction. They don’t wipe away the hurt completely but they help us assign meaning to the pain.
Years ago, while a sophomore in college I experienced the loss of a girlfriend in a car wreck. The conversation that her parents had with me after the funeral has stuck with me for 16 years now. They told me that it was ok to move on to other relationships, that they expected me to, wanted me to, and desired to remain friends when I did…and we have. It took me a long time to process that loss. Even when I moved on to other relationships I was not completely over it. Truth be told, there are still days that grief will hit me to this day. You don’t ever “get over it.” And weeks where people around you are struggling with similar losses have a tendency to reopen those wounds a little. But because I’ve been through similar circumstances I feel confident in helping others through them.
Like a seasoned sailor who has navigated a stormy sea, a person who has experienced the pain of loss can help others who have never sailed in troubled waters. And that is the message of Paul in 2 Corinthians 1. We all suffer at some point in life and we all experience the comfort of others who stay by our side, listen to us, and walk with us through the messiness of grief. And then we return the favor. The comforted becomes the comforter. And while you may not have ever experienced loss yourself, you can still do all the things talked about above. You can start the cycle of comfort. One day you will likely need someone else to return the favor.
Ben