The Role Of Kindness In Relationships

John Gottman and Robert Levenson teamed up in the 70’s to research couples. Gottman admitted that he wasn’t great with relationships then and just wanted to understand what made some “masters” and others “disasters” at relationships. Over 40 years later, he is married and is still studying relationships. Now he and his wife work to help couples build stronger relationships based on the findings of their research.

Gottman’s research included putting newlyweds in a bed and breakfast environment and studying their interaction through cameras, heart monitors, and other devices. He claimed that he could predict with over 95% accuracy whether the marriage would end in divorce, would continue happily, or would continue unhappily. One of the most determining factors in those interactions was the way couples handled the “bids” for attention.

We make them all the time — many times without knowing it. We might say, “hey honey look at this picture on Facebook” or “did you see that car?” It might be something like, “I wonder what is going to happen in the game tomorrow night” or “I don’t know what I think about this new dress.” All of those statements, as unimportant as some of them may sound are bids for attention. The way we respond is more significant than you think.

There are three options when a bid is made. Gottman says you can turn toward, turn away from, or turn against. In their study, couples who were masters in relationships were those who turned toward their partner 87% of the times that bids were made. This means that they engaged with them regarding whatever comment was made. They looked at the picture, glanced out the window, discussed the game, or talked about the dress. It didn’t have to be a major discussion but it was showing respect and kindness toward the other person’s interest.

Another response is to turn away from. In those same scenarios a partner might continue reading the paper or go on doing whatever it was they were doing when the bid was made. Kindness and respect were missing and the relationship suffered. Even worse were the couples who turned against the bid with statements like “would you quit interrupting me” or “can’t you see that I’m in the middle of something right now.” Couples who had divorced within 6 years of marriage had only turned toward the bids for intimacy 33% of the time. In other words, only 3 out of 10 bids were met with intimacy.

The application seems obvious. Pay attention to your spouse. Listen and watch for those moments where they are attempting to connect with you. As insignificant as it may seem, it could make the difference of whether you are master or disaster in your relationships. A little kindness goes a long way.

Ben

“So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of...kindness….”Colossians 3:12