What Your Kids Need
I have been blessed with one of the greatest opportunities on earth. It is a gift that not every man gets the chance to do. Every day, rain or shine, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, I get to be a dad. Some days I’m good at it. Some days I’m pretty lousy at it. That is the way it goes with just about everything in life. Some days you are at the top of your game. Other days you just can’t seem to get it right.
I have also been blessed to work with kids and teenagers for many years through youth ministry and counseling. While kids can be frustrating at times, they are also the most precious thing on the earth. I don’t claim to have all the answers but I have learned a few things along the way that I hope might be helpful to some of you out there that are struggling in some way. Maybe you are just starting the journey as a parent and need some reassurance. Maybe you are really struggling with your relationship with your kids and need direction. Or maybe today was just a bad parenting day where you feel like you did everything wrong (by the way, you most likely didn’t do everything wrong even if it feels like it). Regardless maybe this list of gifts you can give your children will help in some way.
1. Spend time with them.
I hear a lot of people say some form of “I just don’t understand my kids.” Granted there is, it would seem some kind of frequency disturbance in the communication lines between adulthood and childhood. But it might be more simple than you think. Adults communicate by using words (I know that shocking revelation blows your mind). Here is the problem: Kids don’t always express themselves with words. Kids play. Kids interact with pretend and dress up and fantasy. Their hurt, their fears, their frustrations, their joy, and their questions are often lived out in their play. So play with them. Get out the castles and the Legos and the superhero costumes. Let them fix you tea and cupcakes around a table. Let them paint your toe nails and finger nails. Let them paint, color and draw. Let them tell you what is happening in the castle or on the painting. You might start understanding them just a little bit more. Too many adults grow up and leave the childish things too far in the past. Yes, we have bills and responsibilities. But there are no bigger responsibilities than the kids you tuck in each night.
What about teens? Much of the same is true. They may not play with Barbie Dolls and Legos anymore (although I know a few guys who were still playing with Legos in college and we…I mean they had fun with it) but they still have things they enjoy doing. Shooting basketball, throwing a baseball, playing a video game, attending concerts, etc. As they grow their likes and dislikes change. Yours did too. Adjust your tactics and love them all the way.
2. Model healthy relationships.
Someone once said that the greatest gift that you can give your children is a good relationship between mom and dad. If you are still in a position to do that then I hope you will. Moms - love and respect your husband. Dads - love, adore and honor your wife. That is the way the husband and wife relationships should work whether you have children or not. But because you are a mom or a dad it is even more significant. They learn how to treat other people by watching the way you treat people around you. The reality is that you can only control you. Even if there is fault with the other person in your life you do not have to allow their actions to lead you to a place where you set a bad example for your kids. Paul wrote, “As much as is within you, live at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18, emphasis mine).
3. Be consistent in discipline.
Everyone has their own take on discipline. Some people choose to spank and some choose not to. Regardless of the path you choose be consistent and obviously age appropriate (a teenager losing the privilege to drive will be more affective and more appropriate than spanking or time out). Kids need rules and they need boundaries. They need to understand the consequences of broken rules and boundaries. No favors are granted to kids by allowing them to do whatever they want to all the time without consequences. Real life doesn’t work that way. If you break laws you have to pay fines or do jail time. They will deal with “punishment” throughout their life. It is better that they learn discipline at your hand than do so when it costs them much more. In no way am I condoning the abuse of children. Abuse and loving discipline are two very different things.
Discipline, however, must be balanced with encouragement and teaching. If you can teach them to avoid something without having to see them break a rule that results in punishment then you are ahead of the game. If you punish them for breaking rules make sure that you celebrate them doing the right things. Both discipline and instruction can be handed out with love. If children or teenagers feel like you love them and genuinely have their best interest at heart it will make all the difference.
4. Live what you teach.
That is just another way of saying “practice what you preach” or “be consistent with your words and actions.” Nobody likes a hypocrite. If you ask your kids to do something, be willing to also do it. If you ask them to live to a certain standard make sure it is a standard that you are willing to model to them. They need you to be an example to them. Life is hard enough for teenagers without having to decipher between your words and your actions. For example, if you claim to be a follower of Christ but put everything else in life as a priority above Him it is not only likely that they will follow Him. It is more probable that they will be confused regarding what the actual standards are for the home. It is so much simpler to actually live out what you are teaching to your children. They need your example. And by all means, if you mess up admit it and help them learn from it. That, too, is a needed life lesson. But just like with discipline, do your best to be consistent.
I know you love your children. I know you want to give them good gifts. Spend time with them. Model healthy relationships. Be consistent in discipline and encouragement. Live what you teach. Your children will be blessed.