The (Un)Rules of Grief
At any given time someone among us is battling grief. That is certainly the case this week. From those of us who are at the year anniversary of our loss to those who have just experienced that pain once again, it seems grief is an ever present fellow traveler in this road of life. Even as I prepared to write this the news was being shared about a sweet sister at our congregation. She has meant so much to so many through the years--having taught most of our children. She leaves quite a legacy. So here are a few thoughts to help us all manage this often unwelcome guest named grief.
There are No Rules. I’m sorry to inform you, if you haven’t encountered it just yet, but there are no rules to grief. It is simply different for everyone. Some people cry for days or weeks after a loss. Some people cry at certain times when certain things hit them in a very specific way. Some share every detail of their pain. Some share very little. Be careful telling anyone how they should be grieving because the truth is, there are no rules.
There is No Timeline. I’ve often been asked the question, “how long will these feelings last?” My usual response is something like, “However long they last.” There are many books and articles about stages of grief. They talk about the process of grief with words like denial, bargaining, acceptance, and others (depending on which list you find). Yet those stages are not linear. You don’t “get through” one of them and move on to the next. You may find yourself moving in and out of them over the weeks and months following a loss. The raw feelings may decline, but the process is more like cycles that you may revisit many times.
There are No Wrong Feelings. There will be times of sadness but there will also be times of happiness remembering great things about your loved ones. There may be times when you feel immense gratitude followed by anger. It could be anger toward the one you lost, those who worked with them, or even anger toward God. The last one leaves people feeling guilty. But anger is a feeling and God gave them all to us. Anger toward God might be misplaced, but He is big enough to handle it and, like those on earth who love you the most, He wants you to bring those hurts to Him (Matthew 11:28-30).
There are No “Right” Words. A lot of people who attend visitations or funerals will often lament, “I just don’t know what to say.” That’s actually not a bad thing because many times we make the mistake of opening our mouths to try to comfort and instead we cause more hurt. The best things to do when someone is grieving is give them a hug, a smile, an “I love you” or a great memory of their loved one. Beyond that, be careful because the things you think might be comforting might leave them more angry or frustrated.
There is No Getting Over It. In full disclosure I’ve had a few emotional cries over someone I lost 20 years ago on an occasion or two. Now, that doesn’t happen as often as the emotions I experience over my dad’s passing a year ago, but the reality is that grief is not constrained by time. You grow around the grief and it may go from being an open wound to a scar, but those who you love never completely leave your heart so the grief never fully goes away. So don’t let anyone tell you “get over it” and please, don’t be the person who says that to someone else. It is not productive in the least.
There is Not a Moment When God is Not Near You. The best part is that God will “never leave you or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). Unfortunately people get busy. We really love and encourage people in their grief at the beginning but we soon get busy with our lives and do not provide the support to those who are grieving much beyond the days at the funeral home. God doesn’t work that way. He is near to the broken hearted (Psalm 34:18).
I hate that we have to grieve in this life. Saying goodbye is never easy and we will never find a way to make it easier. However, because we all face it at some point we can simply be fellow travelers in our pain together. Some days will be good for me and bad for you. I’ll hold you up if you need me. Some days will be bad for me and good for you. I know you will do the same. The eternal family of the church makes all the difference.
Ben