Passive Aggressive is Rather Depressive
I come from the old school of preaching where I like to meet and greet folks in the back of the auditorium or in the foyer after services are over. For the most part I enjoy speaking to the men and women and children who have chosen to worship and fellowship with our congregation or whatever pulpit I happen to be visiting that particular service. Granted, there can be some personal encouragement that comes from the compliments one receives during that time, but it is more just to make sure everyone knows that I was happy to see them.
If you have preached long enough, however, you will know the pitfall of these meet or greet sessions. These are also the moments that you are most vulnerable to the not-so-sweet comments that might come your way. I have, on more than a few occasions, endured a pretty severe tongue-lashing from someone about something they were unhappy about. I’ve also been hit with the more subtle passive aggressive comments. Don’t get me wrong, these don’t just happen after the services, but after services are just the easy target times when it seems to happen the most.
Those comments may begin with a simple phrase like “Don’t take this the wrong way but…” or “no offense but…” or even “I just wish you would….” Some statements made can cut even more so. “Keep it up and you will make a great preacher one day.” But it is not just the direct comments. Passive aggressiveness can manifest itself in jokes, sarcasm, gossip, scorekeeping, and other ways.
One thing that I think we can all agree on in ministry is that we often get to see people at their best and at their worst. In doing so, we also encounter their best and worst communication skills. As leaders, we can often become discouraged and depressed easily by these situations and begin to experience burnout as a result. While I cannot tell you a fool-proof way of dealing with every one of those moments, I would like to offer some suggestions that I have found helpful in my ministry through the years.
Assume the Best
While I know not everyone has my interest at heart, I try to go into every situation with the mindset that they do. “We be brethren” is a statement that dates back to the conflict between Abraham and Lot and their herdsmen (Genesis 13:8). I like to assume that my brothers and sisters have my best interest in view as I attempt to do with them. We are told to take our concerns to one another (Matthew 5:23, 24; 18:15) yet some people struggle with communication skills more than others. So in an attempt to go to someone with a concern they come across in the wrong way unintentionally. I try to give grace because I recognize that I may need it in return some day.
Adjust Your Thinking
This one is very similar but I’ve also noticed on more than one occasion that when people come at me about certain things, it is less about me or what I’m doing, and more about the situations that they currently find themselves in. For instance, they may be going through a tough time at work or in the home, and they find that I’m the safest outlet for the frustration. While their comments are not the best case scenario for me and my preacher feelings, it helps me be less frustrated when I consider that they may be in a time of crisis and that I’m considered a safe enough place for them to bring those frustrations.
Wounded or sick pets will often bite at their owners. Not out of hatred but because they are suffering and the owner is the only outlet. In the same way, hurt people will hurt people. And as mentioned before, we often get the brunt. So adjust your thinking to not take it personal, even if it came from a place of hurt. I’ve had several situations where they came back at a later time and apologized or said something very positive to me.
And even when they didn’t have my best interest at heart and really did blame me for something, it also helps to step back and ask myself if it was something I could do anything about? Did I create or complicate this situation or can I change anything about it? If not, then I may just have to let that one go and realize that they likely don’t represent every mindset at the place I’m working.
Acknowledge their Needs
So, even when the conversation starts with one of those signature passive aggressive phrases, I try to hang in there and listen attentively. It may take all of my being not to let my jaw hit the floor or to not walk away, but I do my best to hear the concern or the thought. Listening is one thing, but acknowledging what they are really saying is another. Here is where the key comes in. Often times they might not even understand how it came across so giving a little reflection of their statement—not in a harsh or critical way—might help clarify the concern or the need.
For instance, someone comes to you speaking about the visiting preacher: “I love hearing him preach because I go away encouraged every time. I wish we got that kind of preaching all the time.” You may be tempted to think “well what is my preaching like, chopped liver?” You may also want to walk away and stew about it for the next few days without saying anything. First, I am going to assume they weren’t making a slight against me and think about what all I know they may be going through at the moment and simply say, “I sure love to hear that kind of preaching to. Are there some ways that I might do better in this area or some topics I might preach on that would encourage you?” We all need to grow and learn and constructive criticism may be needed. But you also may be helping teach them how to directly say what they mean.
Address Their Concerns
The way we handle others and the concerns that they have may be just as powerful or even more effective in our ministry as the sermons we preach. We lead in ministry not just in word but in deed and truth (1 John 3:18). The way we handle negativity toward us, the church, and our fellow leaders can make a lasting impact on those we serve. So if I say I’m going to address something they bring to me, I do my best to address it.
Of course, sometimes I don’t see it as a concern, nor see a way that we might do it better. In those situations I think it is fair to ask them to help come up with a plan to change the atmosphere or help solve the problem. Sometimes they do. Other times the problem seems to have been miraculously been resolved after they express their concerns once or twice. And yes, that last sentence was my passive aggressive sarcasm saying that the problem was big enough to burden me with it but suddenly seemed to be of little concern when they were asked to handle it.
Ben