The Stirring by Cayron Mann
Each year around the 4th week of June, I enjoy spending a week at Maywood Christian Camp with a whole lot of wonderful people. I may not have the privilege of helping every year… but when I do, it’s a week of fun, laughter, very little sleep, Bible study, singing, more singing, campers everywhere, great food, sports, lots of walking, front porch talking, ice cream churning, more laughing, cabin devotionals, evening activities, and simply, a place where campers and adult can unplug and draw closer to God.
Eleven years ago, on July 2, 2010, my husband Sam and I had driven down to Maywood to pick up our son and niece. There was no way to know it at the time, but There’s a Stirring was one of the very last devotional songs that my husband and I would ever sing together. It was the last time I’d hear his voice singing in worship to God. About three hours later, we were involved in an accident on our way home. But my brain has held tightly to that snapshot moment of standing at the end of Solomon’s Porch that evening, singing that song with the campers and staff and other visiting parents.
So, on July 2, 2021, I knew there was a good chance of a trigger happening. In mental health, a trigger is when a person who has had a history of trauma is around something that reminds them of the trauma. They might even feel like they’re experiencing the trauma all over again — as if they’ve traveled back in time.
Let me also add… I love this song. There’s a Stirring written by Annie Herring, with the harmonies, the beautiful message, and joining with a few hundred voices can be soothing to the soul. So, avoiding singing or hearing the song was not my intention.
The step that led to this triggering event occurred this past Friday evening during the devotional hour at camp. I knew there was a good chance that this song would be part of the devotional time. It’s one of those songs that can really get the heart ready for time with God.
So, I prepared. I had my game plan. Thanks to amazing and effective mental health therapists, I knew what I could do to move through this trigger when it happened.
I knew I had social support from people I could call on immediately. As Bessel van der Kolk says in his book The Body Keeps the Score, “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”
I was ready to begin focusing on my breathing -- slowly inhaling and slowly exhaling -- the awareness of the air going in and out.
I was prepared to become present and do things that would help me stay grounded: noticing my feet on the floor, the wood framing of the amphitheater, the concrete floor, the colors of the clothing that the campers were wearing, the sensation of the tear rolling down my cheek and how the breeze immediately cooled it.
This potential moment had been on my mind as I packed the week before, as I drove down Sunday, as I fell asleep each night on that crazy uncomfortable mattress in Cabin Shechem, and as I walked up to Solomon’s Porch that evening.
At first, everything was fine.
There's a stirring deep within me
could it be my time has come?
When I'll see my gracious Savior
face to face when all is done.
Is that His voice I am hearing?
Come away my precious one.
Is he calling me?
Is he calling me?
I felt a whoosh of heat fill my neck and face, I felt lightheaded, my throat tightened, and my hands and feet felt cold as the sympathetic nervous system activated. No doubt my heart rate and blood pressure had elevated.
I will rise up, rise up
and bow down
and lay my crown
at his wounded feet
My own voice had stopped. I had a choice to make. Allow the panic attack to take over… or consciously begin activating the parasympathetic nervous system by self-soothing, remaining present, and thus, be able to experience every moment of the blessing of this hymn.
It was time to put those previously-mentioned steps into action:
Remembering I had support
Remembering to notice my thoughts and emotions
Remembering to focus on my breathing
Remembering to ground myself and remain present
And then... an unexpected yet welcome outcome… gratefulness?
I was grateful for that very moment. Here it was, 11 years to the day since that unimaginable night, and I was grateful to still feel a love and a closeness to someone who is but a memory. Even better, I was able to return to worshiping with precious people nearby. I knew it wasn’t happening again. And I knew that Sam had truly been able to see his “gracious Savior, face to face, when all was done.”
I fully noticed peace (a fruit of the Holy Spirit) at work in that moment (Galatians 5:22).
As we sat down (and I continued to focus on my breathing), Psalm 125:2 began playing in my heart,
“As the mountains surround Jerusalem, [breathe in]
So the Lord surrounds His people… [breathe out]
As the mountains surround Jerusalem, [breathe in]
So the Lord surrounds His people… [breathe out]
Surround us Lord [breathe in]
Surround us, O Lord! [breathe out]
We want to be in your presence… [breathe in]
Surround us Lord! [breathe out]
Cayron Mann
#spiritualhealth
#mentalhealth
#traumahealing
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-panic-attack-2584403
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKkh09vIlBc